More lessons learned on my journey to Speak Up after 50.
If you've been following along on this journey I call "learning to speak up after 50," you've probably heard me talk about my series of steps -a sort of DIY plan to finally break out of my lifelong habit of staying quiet. I’m not following any set path or reading self-help manuals. I just thought, “What can I actually do to push myself?” because the usual advice of “Just speak up!” has never worked for me. Maybe some of you can relate. When you’ve been conditioned for decades to keep to yourself, speaking up is anything but easy. In fact, it's paralyzing at times.
Step 1 (which turned out to really be Step 2)
The first step I tackled was simple in concept: stop apologizing for things that don’t warrant an apology. I figured this would be a good way to build momentum without overwhelming myself, and it actually worked. Within days, I started to notice just how often I was saying “I’m sorry” for things that didn’t even require an apology. It was as if I had been running on autopilot, apologizing for everything from standing too close to someone in the grocery line to simply sharing my opinions.
By documenting each instance, I quickly saw patterns. I could catch myself about to apologize, pause, and let the moment pass without that instinctual “Sorry.” It was surprisingly empowering, a tiny victory that felt huge. And once I had mastered this step, I was ready to move on to something a little tougher.
Lessons from the skatepark
One thing I didn’t anticipate was how stopping the apologies would unearth a deeper issue: my tendency to feel like I’m in the way. I realized I’ve spent a lifetime feeling like I’m intruding, especially in social situations -parties, gatherings, even in public spaces. It’s no wonder I developed a habit of apologizing; I was apologizing for my very presence.
Let me share a story that opened my eyes to this part of myself. A few weeks back, I was at a playground with Sami, the kids and some friends. There was a skate park nearby, and the kids, all eager and excited, brought their little scooters, skateboards, and helmets and took to one of the empty bowls to play. Now, I have to admit, I was on edge the whole time. Every time a group of “real” skaters came around, I felt this instinct to gather the kids and move them out of the way, as if they were intruding on some sacred ground.
After a few rounds of herding the kids, one of our friends turned to me and said, “We have as much right to be here as they do.” And she was absolutely right! It was something I hadn’t even considered. Somewhere along the way, I’d convinced myself that everyone else’s right to exist in a space was greater than mine or my kids’. But why? Why was I ready to dismiss our place there just because others seemed more entitled to it?
That moment stuck with me. I began to understand that learning to speak up goes beyond words; it’s about embracing the fact that I deserve to occupy space and feel at ease in it. Since then, I've been reminding myself that I, too, belong wherever I choose to be.
Part B of Step 1 er 2- The Confidence to Belong
A while back, I remember hearing a speaker talk about confidence, especially when it comes to holding your own in any room. They said something that resonated with me: no matter where they are, they know in their heart that they belong there and that they have every right to talk to anyone in the room. That message stuck with me, and between that nameless speaker and my friend at the skate park, I finally see that this “stop apologizing” step has a Part B: acknowledging that I have as much right to be here as anyone else.
This journey isn’t just about saying words louder or more often. It’s about undoing years of conditioning and giving myself permission to exist unapologetically. I deserve to be here. You deserve to be here. And the next time someone implies otherwise, whether explicitly or just through a look, I’m learning to hold my ground. Because this journey, for me, is as much about standing up in my own life as it is about speaking out in it.