Learning to Speak Up at 50: My Journey and System
At 50, I had an awakening of sorts: I didn’t know how to speak up. For decades, I had trained myself to stay quiet, and by the time I reached middle age, that silence had become second nature. I knew something had to change, but just “doing it” wasn’t working for me. Advice like “just speak up” felt unhelpful. If it were that easy, I would’ve done it already.
So, I created a system, a set of steps to follow that would help me build the confidence to speak up, starting small and progressing over time. Today, I’m sharing these steps with you, along with five daily actions that have kept me on track. If you’ve ever struggled with finding your voice, this might resonate with you.
The Five Steps to Speaking Up
1. Stop Apologizing for Everything
The first thing I tackled was my habit of over-apologizing. Every “sorry” that wasn’t necessary chipped away at my confidence. Once I became aware of this habit, I was able to break it in just a few days.
2. Heads Up, Eye Contact, Be Seen
For years, I avoided eye contact and kept my head down. Changing this took conscious effort. Now, I remind myself to walk tall, make eye contact, and let myself be seen. It’s still a work in progress, but I’m getting better every day.
3. Reaching Out to Friends and Family
This one has been the toughest for me. Reaching out, even to my twin brother Brandon, doesn’t come naturally. But when I do, I’m reminded of the value of these connections. Brandon and I recently had a great conversation about our experiences. Even though he’s the more outgoing twin, he revealed that he also struggles with his own challenges. I guess we all do.
4. Learn to Say No
Saying no has been empowering. I’ve been practicing this at work, which has been a great testing ground. Learning to set boundaries has been a game-changer for my confidence.
5. Just Speak Up
This is the ultimate goal: speaking up for myself and others. It’s the culmination of the first four steps, and though I’m not perfect, I’m proud of how far I’ve come.
The Five Daily Action Items
While the five steps are my overarching goals, I needed a daily practice to stay consistent. That’s where my five daily action items come in.
1. Smile and Make Eye Contact
Every day, I aim to greet the world with a smile and look people in the eye. This simple act changes the way I interact with others and boosts my confidence.
2. Meaningful Interactions
I challenge myself to compliment a stranger or coworker, or engage in a meaningful conversation with someone I don’t usually talk to. These small interactions help me step out of my comfort zone.
3. Practice Active Listening
Listening is a skill I’ve had to develop. Too often, I’d focus on what I was going to say next instead of truly hearing the other person. Now, I focus on being present, which makes my conversations more authentic.
4. Check In with Friends and Family
I’m working on reaching out to loved ones more regularly. Whether it’s a quick text or a longer conversation, staying connected helps me feel grounded.
5. Journaling
At first, I resisted the idea of journaling. It felt too much like keeping a diary. But I discovered that writing down my thoughts at the end of the day helps me reflect and stay accountable. I’ve even created a template with prompts that work for me. Would these work for you?:
“I'm proud that I did/said this today.”
“I'm proud that I didn't do/say this today.”
“Oh yeah, here's what else happened today.”
When I can check off at least three of these five items in a day, I consider it a win.
Progress, Not Perfection
This journey is ongoing. There are days when I feel like I’m nailing it and others when I slip back into old habits. But that’s okay. Growth isn’t about being perfect, it’s about showing up and trying every day.
If you’ve been struggling to speak up, I hope my steps and daily actions inspire you to start your own journey. It’s never too late to find your voice. And trust me, the world will be better when it hears you.
What about you? Have you ever had to teach yourself a skill you thought you should’ve mastered by now? Let me know—I’d love to hear your story.