Never Take the Stairs

And 7 other hacks for living a long, American life

Photo by Allison Heine on Unsplash


'Every person is born with a pre-determined number of heartbeats available to them. Once you reach that number, you die.’

This is actually a thing that someone once told me. They were dead serious.

Now, you and I both know that this is complete nonsense. We know that the heart is a muscle and exercise strengthens it and will help you live a longer, healthier life.

This article is written from the perspective of someone who believes that earlier, asinine statement to be true.


Why bike when you’ve got a car?

Thinking about biking to work or to the store or just for fun? Please remove that incredibly dangerous thought from your head.

Don’t you know that bicycles are for kids and fools that aren’t able to drive a car. Do you honestly think that god invented the motor vehicle so we would continue pedaling ourselves around town? I don’t care if you’re only going a few blocks. You get in that car and you drive your American butt to your destination.

Here is another thing that I feel is too important not to mention. If you happen to see another adult riding a bicycle, you need to make them aware that they have no business being on your road.

Also, assume that they are only on a bike because they have a DUI.


Why walk? Again, you’ve got a car.

The longest distance you should be walking is from your house to your car. When you reach your destination, keep that rule of thumb in mind.

Your survival dictates that you park as near to the door as you can.

Here is another tip for you. Most establishments have the closest spaces to the entrance marked as ‘Handicapped Only.’ Park in one of those spaces. After all, what are the chances of that many handicapped people showing up at the same time?


What if I cannot find a good parking space?

That is a great question. If the ‘Handicap Hack’ doesn’t work for you, circle the lot a maximum of 5 times. If an acceptable space doesn’t open up, give up and go home. It wasn’t meant to be.

As you circle the lot, keep an eye out for folks leaving the building. Follow them to see if they’ve got one of the good spots. As you follow them, keep your front bumper as close to their heels as possible. You do not want to run the risk of another ‘circler’ swooping in.


Running/jogging? Are you kidding me?

I’m just going to pretend I didn’t hear you say that.


Are there any safe athletics?

The short answer is, ‘No.’

When it comes to athletics, it is best to assume the role of ‘spectator’ and leave the work to the professionals. These athletes are sacrificing their heartbeat quotas for us. Just sit back, have some chips and enjoy the theater that is professional sport.

Remember, any attempt to ‘play’ these sports, yourself, is a slap in the face to those courageous (and well paid) athletes.


Photo by Phillip Goldsberry on Unsplash


Dancing? Don’t be tempted.

Much like bicycling, dancing is for children who don’t know any better.

Have you seen how silly people look when they dance? Save yourself the embarrassment and just stop.

If you happen to be within earshot of some catchy tune that makes you want to dance, don’t you dare even start tapping a toe! Remind yourself that music is the creation of the Devil and get yourself the heck out of that situation.


What about sex?

The mere mention of the word ‘sex’ is taboo and it should be.

Sexual intercourse should take place for one reason and one reason only. To make babies.

If you’re thinking about using sex for any sort of pleasure, you need to wash those sinful thoughts right out of your filthy mind!

If you do decide to make a baby, keep these rules in mind:

  • Sex should be as brief as possible.
  • Foreplay is, not only, completely unnecessary, but an irresponsible misuse of heart beats.
  • Sex is over when the male is finished.


Never take the stairs!

Should you find yourself in a ‘multi-floor’ situation, pray to your god that there is an elevator available.

Are you going up 10 floors or only 1? It doesn’t matter. You find that elevator.

Now, I’m aware that some buildings do not have elevators. Why this is even allowed, I do not know. If you find yourself in an elevator-less building. You need to ask yourself how much you really need to be there.

Let me ask you this. Is there an escalator available? While not quite an elevator, this is definitely an acceptable alternative.

While riding the escalator, you may be tempted to take some steps and ‘speed up’ the trip to the top. Don’t you dare! Do you know how pissed the inventor of the escalator would be if you decided to treat their creation like a simple staircase?

The above paragraph also applies to moving sidewalks. Also, please do me this favor. When you’re standing on the moving sidewalk, be sure to block the entire width of the walk to discourage any others misusing the apparatus.



Well, there you have it. I hope this article has been helpful to you. If you have any tips of your own, I would love to hear them.

Now, sit back, relax and leave the exercise to those suckers who don’t know our little secret.

The secret to living a long, American life.

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